at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
