Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
