I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize