My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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