Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
