I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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