I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
In America we eat man semen.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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