she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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