1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
