The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
