Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
