HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
