Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
