I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
