True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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