If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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