Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
