I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
