I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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