I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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