i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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