My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
