I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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