i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
