I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Still dying that you shit outside
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize