LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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