You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
