He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
