ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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