Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
