did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
