I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize