3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
