I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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