the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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