So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
