one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
