I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
