Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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