i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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