i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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