masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize