She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize