drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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