I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When are your genitals available?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
