I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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