sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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