grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize