my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
