I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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