hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize