im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize