Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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