Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
