Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize