My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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