1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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