I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
