I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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