I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
