Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
