To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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