My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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