I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
