I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize