I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
