I think I died a long time ago.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
