Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
